Memories
by Raderle
Summary: This is a one-shot that can be considered another chapter in my story "Who is Marty Deeks". As Marty is recuperating at Angela and Richards after his torture, will he open up to them more about himself?


New Story: Memories – One Shot

Angela's voice has been in my mind for a while now whispering that there's more to tell. This story is what she has been whispering about.

This can be considered another chapter in my story _**Who is Marty Deeks**_ though you don't have to read it before you read this one. This can stand on its own as a one-shot. This contains details of when Marty confided in Angela about his mother abandoning him. They are discussing his nightmares and his mother while he is recuperating in Angela's and Richard's home from the torture he endured while undercover trying to take down the human trafficking ring in the chapters from _**Who is Marty Deeks**_"Dirty Cops" and "The Rescue".

Angela knows a little about Marty's mother and her abandonment of him from Richard. It was also briefly mentioned while he was in the hospital.

I only own my own characters Sam, Angela and Richard in this story.

Anything in italics and double quotes is thoughts.

Nope…no matter how hard I wish, NCIS LA nor any of the characters on the show are mine. And sadly, they never will be. My minions still hold out hope I will win the lottery and be able to buy Marty at least, but I'm trying to get them to understand that will never happen.

Reviews are always welcome. If you enjoyed this story, or even if you didn't, leave a review on the way out and tell me why.

Enjoy.

~,~,~

The early morning sun was streaming into the room and turning the air golden with promise when Marty woke up and looked around. The room he was currently occupying had become not only familiar to him over the last week but somewhat of a refuge. He felt safe and very much loved in this room as well as the house it was part of. He lay in bed gazing out the window of the room that was beginning to feel like his and wondered what the noise was that wakened him. He had finally gotten some peaceful sleep the night before and felt energized. He knew he was on the mend and couldn't wait until he could get to the beach and surf.

As he continued relaxing in bed, he suddenly realized that the previous night's sleep hadn't brought on another nightmare. In the week since leaving the hospital and coming to stay with Angela and Richard, the screams coming from him while in the throes of his nightmares had brought them both running into his room at least five times. Night before last had been the worst of them all.

Angela was aware he had been plagued with nightmares while still in the hospital, but thought he was over them. They had become less frequent as he recovered from his torture, so she was surprised when the first one occurred after he came to recuperate with them. It broke her heart to hear his screams and the words he whispered during the worst moments of them before he could be brought fully awake.

He was mortified very time he woke Richard and Angela up screaming but wouldn't tell them anything about what the nightmares entailed, instead insisting that he didn't really remember what they were about. He also felt guilty at disturbing their rest and was beginning to think he should leave and return to his apartment. Neither Angela nor Richard pushed him to reveal more about his nightmares than he was comfortable with. They knew he remembered more than he was saying, but were wise enough to know that they had to wait until he felt comfortable enough to tell them about the nightmares on his own. If they pushed him, they knew he would only deflect the questions with a quip or a smart-ass remark. That was the way he protected himself.

Marty remembered more than he let on. All of the nightmares had the same basic elements to them. They were a mashup of the torture he had endured and the pain he had experienced along with memories of his father's abuse and his mother's abandonment of him which somehow made them even more terrifying than they would be otherwise, but he couldn't bring himself to tell that to Richard or Angela.

Richard would stay with him until he was fully awake and somewhat calmed down before he returned to his bed while Angela remained in his room until he fell asleep again since she didn't have to go to work the next day like Richard did. They discussed some of his fears before he fell asleep with Marty sharing a little of what he had gone through before Sam came into his life but he still wouldn't discuss the nightmares.

After his last nightmare two nights ago which had included memories of the night he had thought his father had killed his mother and was going to kill him, he finally opened up to Angela about his nightmares and his mother. When he finally realized he was awake and still screaming, Angela already had him wrapped up in her arms as she sat beside him on the bed and was trying to soothe him. "Shh, you're safe. It was a nightmare, only a nightmare. It's not real. You're with us now and we'll keep you safe. Shhh." Richard was standing beside the bed with his hand on Marty's back.

He tried to pull away from both of them because he was so ashamed and embarrassed but Angela wouldn't let him. "It's okay Marty, it's okay. I've got you. Do you want to talk about your nightmare this time Marty? It might help, you know. I'm a good listener and I know how to keep a secret," she said looking deeply into his eyes and seeing the fear of rejection in those troubled ocean depths. "It won't make me think any differently of you, you know that don't you?" she continued.

The nightmare he had just experienced was the worst one he'd had yet. He had been soaking wet when he woke up and trembling with fear and shame. His heart had been racing and he felt like he had just completed a marathon. He sighed heavily as he voiced what he had been thinking for several days, "Maybe I should go back to my place. I can't keep disturbing you and Richard every night like this. It's not fair to you. I'm not even family."

"Martin Andrew Deeks, I don't want to hear that from you. You are family," she admonished him. "I'm not letting you go home until you can manage alone without hurting yourself accidentally. You have trouble walking up a few steps right now. What if you fell? How are you going to climb the stairs to your apartment and take care of yourself in the condition you're in? You'll get there I know, but you're not there yet."

Richard chimed in "Listen to her, you young pup. You are part of our family. If I have to, I can still put you over my knee and give you a couple of swats to make you see sense."

Marty ran his trembling hands through his hair. He knew they were right, but didn't want to admit it. And he hated the fact that both she and Richard were seeing him at his weakest. He always strived to appear strong and in control no matter what was happening. It was one of the ways he protected himself. He was used to licking his wounds in private since Sam died; it was hard for him to expose his vulnerability to those around him. His father's whispered words telling him he was useless would begin invading his mind when he was sick, hurt, or feeling helpless or vulnerable.

He might show the world a confident man with a great sense of humor, but it was one of the many faces he showed the world to hide his true self as the scared vulnerable man who had endured hell on earth from the time he was a toddler until he held the gun in his hand that ended the abuse from his father. It was the reason he used quips, jokes and smart-ass remarks around people; to distract them.

"Now that you're awake and in Angela's capable hands, I'm going to get back to bed. I need my beauty sleep." Richard somehow knew it would be easier for Marty to open up if just one of them was with him. He turned to leave the room when Marty spoke.

"You know you need more than beauty sleep, right? That schnoz of yours isn't going to get any smaller by sleeping on it."

"Angela loves my nose. She tells me that all the time." Richard retorted. Looking deep into Marty's eyes, he continued "Talk to her Marty. She's a good listener."

As Richard continued out of the room Marty was deep in thought. He was trying to think of a way to gather his courage and open up to Angela when she began speaking again.

"Marty, you're such a strong man; smart, brave, fiercely loyal, funny and honest. You have a zest for life that is contagious. But even strong men need someone to help them sometimes. I'm here, I'm right here, let me help you. Come on, talk to me. What was the worst part of the last nightmare for you?" She was rubbing circles on his back while trying to get him to open up to her, hoping her touch would soothe him and help him voice his fears.

Marty glanced at her and she could see unshed tears starring his eyelashes. He quickly looked away in embarrassment. He tried several times to begin talking but then would stop and sigh in frustration. _"Why is it so hard to talk about my nightmares? Angela and Richard have opened their home and family to me. Angela has been so good to me and I know she wants to help, but I don't know if I can talk about this. It's so humiliating. I'm a grown man and I'm scared of a nightmare for crying out loud! I wake up screaming like a frightened child. In actual fact, I'm acting like a child. I should be stronger than this." _Once again, Marty was blaming himself for something he had no control over.

Angela could see how hard he was struggling to talk to her, so gave him all the time he needed to work up the courage to begin. She sat there patiently waiting while continuing to rub circles on his back. A couple of minutes passed before he found he could answer her question.

"I…um…I'm 11 and…all I can see is…is blood. Everywhere I look there's blood" he whispered while looking down at his bandaged wrists.

"What else, Marty?"

He quickly glanced back up at her wondering how she could possibly know there was more. He couldn't maintain eye contact with her so went back to staring at his wrists before continuing. "What else?" he whispered while running his hands through his hair "what else?…then, I'm back in…in that room with Guerrera, hanging from the ceiling. I'm not an adult though, I'm…I'm still 11 and…I can remember…" he glanced quickly at her again, "…in the nightmare, I'm scared shitless. He looks liked he's ten feet tall and he's taunting me. He's calling me all the things my old man used to scream at me." Marty suddenly realized that in his dream, he wasn't blindfolded.

"Then…the dream changes again…he begins beating me all the while screaming at me to tell him if the other cops know about him. Even though I'm still 11, I know what he's asking. Isn't that weird? I see the blood spattering against the walls as he and his goons hit me." He felt every muscle in his body tensing while his heart rate sped up and cold sweat began standing out on his skin again as he shivered in remembrance.

"In your nightmare Mary, what happens next?" Angela continued rubbing his back, knowing instinctively that he needed to feel the contact of someone who loved him to keep going.

"The…the blood is everywhere…no matter where I look, I see blood." Marty lifts his eyes up to the ceiling trying to keep the tears pooling in his eyes from escaping. After a moment, he began again "It's dripping…the blood that is…it's dripping down my arms and down the walls. There's a big pool of it on the floor and I remember…I remember the…the copper smell and the sound of each drop as it hits the pool of blood. The blood is mine, but it's her's too…she's there…in that room with me…covered in blood. It's funny, but thinking about it now, she reminds me of 'Carrie' in that Steven King movie. Weird, huh? Anyway, she's staring at me…and…I…um…I'm begging her to help me…to save me…like I saved her…I'm crying out to her…but she looks at me as she slowly shakes her head…then….um, she turns and walks away without saying anything! She leaves me there, with him" he gasped, trying to control his emotions and the tears he felt threatening to spill out once again and run down his cheeks.

"_Why does her leaving still haunt me and cause me so much pain? It's been years since that day. I'm no longer a child, but I still feel the same sense of abandonment every time I think of her. Sam was right, I know he was right about why she left, but it still hurts so much. Was I so unlovable after I shot my dad? Did she see some kind of monster in me that I'm not aware of yet? Sam said he loved me and I was a good person, but what if he was wrong? What if I am a monster and I just don't know it yet?" _Marty could feel his heart continuing to race and his body tremble while the cold sweat coated him as he relived his nightmare.

He was shivering with cold and wasn't sure he had the strength left to tell Angela the rest of it. The nightmares and the memories they stirred up unnerved him and made him question himself as a person and as a good man. It also made him question the way other people looked at him and what they thought when they saw him. What if Angela thought differently of him when she found out why he was still struggling to come to terms with his mother's abandonment of him after all these years? She said she wouldn't, but what if she did? Marty had been hurt so many times he couldn't easily accept the fact that people around him cared for him. Even with all the love he had received from Sam after being adopted, and the countless times Sam had reassured him that nothing that had happened to him was his fault, whenever anything went wrong, he still felt like it was; he couldn't help himself and he didn't know why. Sam had been gone a long time and as much as Marty still missed him, he missed even more the way Sam made him feel so loved. Would Angela think he was weak somehow or look at him with pity in her eyes once she heard the whole nightmare? It would crush him if he saw her look at him that way.

"Who walks away?" Angela whispered. She realized how much Marty was struggling to trust her with the meaning behind the rest of his nightmare and waited patiently to see what his decision would be. She hoped with all her heart his decision would be to trust her, even if only a little bit. She knew talking about it would help him enormously. He was such a guarded person and she was absolutely certain it was because of the childhood traumas he had been forced to endure. Things she heard during his nightmares and the few things Richard knew and shared with her about what Marty had endured as a child brought her to both tears and a sense of rage against Marty's father almost every time she thought about it.

She was amazed by the wonderful, kind, funny, sensitive man he had turned out to be. He had triumphed over unspeakable evil while only a child. He had not only survived those horrors, he had been able to thrive in spite of them. She knew he still fought the demons of his childhood and it was why he didn't trust easily or often. But she also knew keeping all of that inside was a heavy burden for him to bear and she wanted to help him let go of it. But he was going to have to make the first move. Angela knew if she pushed him, he would retreat into himself and she didn't want that.

Marty was lost in his memories again. Everything he was remembering was tinged with the color of the blood that had been everywhere in his nightmare. The horror of the night he shot his father as he was aiming the shotgun at Marty after beating his mother unconscious ripped through his mind. The hopeless rage he had felt when he thought his mother was dead; the horror roaring through his brain after he shot his father followed on the heels of the fear he had felt as he looked at the shotgun pointed at him by the man he should have been able to trust to love and protect him. Angela's whispered words didn't even register with him until she repeated them.

"Marty, who walks away in your nightmare?"

"S…s…s…she did…in my nightmare, it's my m…m…mom" he stuttered. He hadn't stuttered since he was 9 years old but reliving the nightmare had him stuttering once again. "S…she leaves me there…s…she leaves me with that monster…and walks away. Just like she did after I shot m…my dad. She doesn't even look back as she walks out the door and leaves me." Marty had to stop and catch his breathe before he could continue.

"After…after she leaves the room, I realize I'm me again…I mean…I'm no longer a child but an adult. The…the other cop…doused me with water and…and then Guerrera began using the taser on me. In my nightmare, it happens all over again…and again…and again. Oh God, Angela, that taser hurt so much. I felt like I was burning up from the inside out. I've never felt pain like that before…not even when…well you know…I wanted to die or if I couldn't do that I wanted to lose consciousness. Anything to make the pain go away, but I remembered promising Sam I'd keep fighting. I didn't want to disappoint him…or you and Richard." Marty was so lost in the memories of the taser he didn't even realize tears were trickling down his cheeks as he glanced quickly at Angela and then away again. "After that, all I hear is my screams each time the taser touches me…that's when I wake up."

"Oh God Marty, I'm not sure what to say. It's got to be horrible to keep reliving that in your nightmares." Angela pulled a throw from the chair near the bed and wrapped him in it because he was shaking like a leaf and his skin was ice cold. She then waited patiently to see if he would continue talking.

"Why would she do that, Angela, why?" he asked as he glanced at her and then down to his hands again. He was surprised to see them still trembling. He clenched his hands into fists to try to stop the trembling.

"I needed her so much and she abandoned me." His voice was quivering and he hated the way it sounded. He cleared his throat to try to get it to stop quivering before continuing.

"She told the social worker she couldn't care for me any longer and was afraid I would grow up to become just like my father. I only did what was necessary to save her life by shooting him. Even after all these years, I still don't understand why, not really. Sam said…he said it was because she knew she couldn't take care of me and had nothing left to give me. All I wanted was for her to love me! Is that too much to ask? He…Sam said life had defeated her and that even though she loved me, all she had left was fear. And she didn't know how to handle that fear so she ran away." Marty ran his hands across his face scrubbing the tears he found there away then continuing up through his hair again trying to calm himself down. Running his hands through his hair was a nervous habit of his whenever he felt uncomfortable.

"I know up here" he pointed to his head "in my head that Sam was right. He was telling me the truth when he told me she loved me, but my heart…" unconsciously he laid one hand over his heart "…my heart still can't accept it…even after all these years…not after she abandoned me. Isn't that pathetic? I'm a grown man for Christ's sake! I should be over this by now. She didn't even know what would happen to me when she left! I didn't have anyone. Without Sam, I would have been lost. I don't know what would have happened to me. I…" he stopped because he was close to tears again. It took him several minutes to get control of himself.

"I sometimes feel so…shit…like such a loser because…well, let's face it…even my mother didn't want me enough to stick around when I needed her most. My old man used to yell and scream at me all the time that I was useless, a wimp, a sniveling little shit, no good for anyone and a waste; that everything bad that had ever happened to him was my fault and I should never have been born. He…he screamed at me one time…" he glanced at Angela and saw tears in her eyes which almost made him start crying again, but he had to finish what he was saying right then or he would never be able to, so he continued "when he was beating on me…he screamed…that he should have killed me when I was a baby. What kind of man says that to his six year old son? What if I'm a monster like he was? I'm half him as it is. Was he right?" The last words were whispered softly as Marty contemplated the truth of what his father was always screaming at him. He looked up at Angela hoping to see something other than pity or disgust in her eyes.

The anguish in his voice and on his face brought additional tears to Angela's eyes. She hugged him fiercely as she told him "Marty, I'm so sorry he said those things to you. You are not a monster. You're a good man, a good man. You are nothing like your father. You are a much better man than he ever was. He didn't deserve you. You are the most lovable young man I've ever had the privilege to know." She grabbed his chin and made sure he was looking in her eyes as she continued. "You are a wonderful man and an amazing human being. Don't ever think otherwise. Your father was a monster and not fit to be part of the human race. I hope he's dead and rotting in hell, may God forgive me." After a moment she continued, "I'm sure Sam was right about your mom though. I'm a mom so I know that she wouldn't have left unless she thought you would be better off. I don't agree with what she did, but I do understand it."

Angela could tell that everything they had talked about had completely exhausted Marty, so decided that it was time to stop and let him try to rest. "Come on, let's get you into a dry shirt and comfortable again. This one is soaked with sweat." Angela helped him change his shirt which made him love her even more, though it caused him to blush furiously. She then helped him lie back down in the bed and covered him with the blankets. She ruffled his hair and sat down in the bedside chair. "Do you think you can sleep any more tonight?"

He rolled onto his side so he could look at her. "I don't know" he sighed. "I'm so tired, but what if I have another nightmare? I don't want to keep waking you both up."

"Don't worry about it Marty. I have a feeling you'll sleep peacefully the rest of the night. Call it a mother's intuition. Close your eyes now and listen to me." She brushed a strand of hair off his face with a loving caress. "I'll stay right here until you're asleep again." Angela began humming softly as she watched his eyes slowly begin to get heavy. Soon they were closed and his breathing was deepening.

Angela could tell Marty was on the brink of sleep when she heard a softly murmured "Thanks Angela…love you. You're like my mom used to be."

~,~,~

Once Marty was sleeping deeply and peacefully, Angela returned to her bedroom to find Richard awake and waiting for her. "How is he?" he whispered.

"I think he'll sleep through the night peacefully now. I was able to get him to talk about his nightmares. Richard, if I was the type of woman to hold a grudge, I'd track that bastard father of his down and castrate him with pleasure. The damage he did to Marty is horrendous. He's still struggling with it after all these years, but you would never know it to see him and the way he normally acts. I believe you and I are only seeing part of it now because he's still so hurt from the torture. He's weak so his defenses are down and he's struggling to put them back in place. I'm so glad he opened up to me a little bit tonight. He really needed to get some things off his chest. He's still hiding a lot of pain though. I wonder if he will ever trust us enough to let us all the way in. He needs to get rid of all that pain that is poisoning his soul to fully heal."

"That's one of the many reasons I love you Ang. You're my angel and you have such a big heart. You're so good for Marty. You understand him so well. Better than he does himself sometimes, I think. Whether he will admit it or not, he needs all the love we can give him. I agree with you. I wish we could go back in time to prevent some of the horrors he had to face as a child. When I was reading the police reports of that time and what he went through, I couldn't believe that the young man who's my partner was able to not only survive, but overcome everything that happened to him with his sense of humor and joy in life intact. He's stronger, so much stronger than he gives himself credit for. Did I ever tell you I found out he was hospitalized at least 15 times before he was 11 because of beatings given to him by his father? And no one ever did anything to help him. No one until Sam came along. It makes me furious!"

"Me too Richard, me too."

~,~,~

As Marty lay in bed that morning thinking about how much Angela had helped him, he decided to take inventory of his body in the mirror of the dresser facing the bed. His entire rib cage and stomach area was still sporting huge painful looking bruises. His eyes were still black as well, but now shades of red and yellow along with hints of green were appearing letting him know the bruising was healing. The cut on his cheekbone and his split lip were healing nicely and probably would not scar.

He stretched slowly and very carefully in the bed. The muscles in his chest, arms and torso were still very sore but he knew he was recovering and getting healthier every day. _"Being here has really helped. I don't know what I would have done without Angela and Richard. He saved me from Guerrera and his goons. And they've been…no they are so good to me. I have trouble understanding why sometimes, but maybe I should just accept it and believe what they keep telling me."_

His wrists were still bandaged, but they were healing as well. Thoughts of the beating he had been subjected to…no he thought, _"I should call it what it was, it was torture, plain and simple; but I made it"_ echoed through his brain but those thoughts were slowly becoming less intense as the days passed. Even though he knew what he had gone through was torture, he would never admit it willingly to another soul. It happened to him and no one else had a need or a right to know how he felt about it unless he told them. A soft knock on the door interrupted his examination of himself. Knowing immediately who it was, he called out "The door's open Angela. I'm decent. Come on in."

"I brought you breakfast. How are you feeling this morning Marty?" Angela looked him over very carefully glad to see that he looked much more rested this morning than he had for several days. She was happy that he hadn't had a nightmare since their talk. She was hopeful because the nightmares he had been plagued with appeared to be over. She prayed it was true and that he would continue to be able to sleep through the night. He looked better already. His eyes weren't swollen anymore even though they were still somewhat black, nor shadowed by dark circles and his soft smile as she asked him how he was looked much more like his normal smile. It actually reached his eyes now instead of being a mask he wore to hide the pain he was in.

"I'm good Angela. I'm good." Marty gave her another soft smile, causing little creases to appear in the corners of his eyes, along with a little smirk as he continued. "You know you're spoiling me, right? Being waited on by a beautiful woman bringing me breakfast in bed is not something I've had the pleasure of experiencing until now. You may have to continue giving me breakfast in bed, even when I go home" he teased.

Angela put the tray down on the small table in the room while giving him a fake glare before beginning to laugh. "Smart ass! Now I know you're feeling better. You're becoming cheekier every day and beginning to flirt with me again." Then she teased right back "I've missed that…and I'm flattered, really flattered Marty…but you know what; I'm pretty sure you couldn't handle me. I'm too much woman for you, at least right now."

Marty blushed bright red before recovering. "Angela, you wound me!" He then wiggled his eyebrows and gave her a wink as he made a show of clutching his chest and groaning dramatically. "That hurts. I think my heart is breaking. My life is over…my best girl doesn't want me any more."

"Oh, go on with you now, you scamp! Sit down over here and eat. I've made your favorites. Blueberry pancakes with bacon and drowning in butter and syrup. I even made you a carafe of coffee just the way you like it." Angela pushed him toward the small table in the corner of the room and placed the tray in front of him. "Eat up now, you need to get some meat back on those bones of yours."

He looked up at Angela with twinkling eyes. "Are you saying I'm skinny, seriously? I'll have you know I'm naturally lean, like a greyhound."

"You need to gain the 15 pounds you've lost before you can call yourself naturally lean, Marty. Right now you're skin and bones. Eat!"

"You're too good to me. How can I ever thank you for taking such good care of me?" Marty dug into breakfast with gusto. It was the first day he had really felt hungry since the torture. The pancakes melted in his mouth and the bacon was the way he liked it, crisp but not burned; Angela could hear soft moans of pleasure coming from him as he devoured everything on the plate in between sips of his coffee.

Angela waited until Marty had finished eating and was savoring his second cup of coffee before replying to what he had said. "Marty, you don't have to thank me, you know that. You're family and you protect my Richard. That's thanks enough."

He looked at Angela with love and a look of determination in his eyes. "Always, Angela. I'll always have his back. I would lay down my life for him or for you. Any time, any where."

"I know Marty and I love you all the more for it. But I would rather both my favorite men stay safe."

Both of them looked away at the same time. They were overwhelmed by the feelings permeating the room. Each could feel the seriousness of the discussion they had been having and the implications of Marty's words. Angela knew he meant them with every fiber of his being and was again amazed at the man he had become. Marty was embarrassed that he had made such a bald statement, but he meant every word of it with his whole heart. Angela's words crept into his heart and logged in the deepest corner to be savored over and over again.

He thought of Angela and Richard as a surrogate family and he protected his family. He would always protect them no matter the cost. No sacrifice he might be forced to make would be too great if it was made to protect those people he thought of as family. His fierce loyalty knew no bounds when it came to Angela and Richard. He knew that if circumstances in the future made it necessary to make the final sacrifice, he would make it without hesitation. He would gladly walk through the gates of hell and fight Satan and all his demons by himself if he had to in order to keep them safe.

~,~,~

FINI

Raderle

AN: Hopefully Angela will be quiet for a while now that I've told this story. She is a tenacious woman and you'll probably be seeing her again sometime in the future.


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